In the past, I saw a certain direction for myself (going to a top university in the world; my motivation for this was wrong before, but it is probably right now). However, I fell into self-loathing, fled, engaged in self-improvement, and have now returned because it became necessary again.
When I fled, I did not think about the fact that I would come back again.
I really hate myself, but should I grovel to the administrative work believing that the other party did not read that deeply into it, or should I properly explain everything?
However, I also feel like at the time I said I wanted to do this by deceiving people.
On top of that, my professor unfollowed me on social media after seeing my incomprehensible behavior (expressing strange thoughts or posting rage bait while being wild about making money).
What should I do?
While I think explaining everything would be best, there is naturally a risk to that (they might get furious and refuse to give me a recommendation).